DVDs From the Library-The Van

In the library there is a bin full of DVDs. One may take up to five and keep them for a week. Don’t forget to return them on time or you will pay a hefty over-due penalty, or worse, they will develop a terminal mold and eat your furniture, flooring and, eventually, your brain. Join me now as I take a look at one…

I like the librarians at the local public library (The Field Library-Peekskill, NY).  Sometimes we talk about books and the weather and, well, that's pretty much it!  Fact is there is not a whole lot to talk about in Peekskill.  It's a funky little city that doesn't have too much going on and if it wasn't for the library, the coffee shop and the Social Security office I don't suppose anyone would ever need to go there.

I was reading a series of books by Roddy Doyle and the librarian mentioned another book that I might like by Mr. Doyle.  Not that I liked the other two all that much.  Both had been made into movies. "The Commitments", was a really good movie, about a Dublin soul band.  The second, "The Snapper"-about an expectant, unwed mother and her Irish family- was not much to my liking, either the book or the novel.  She put her recommendation on reserve for me.  When I went to pick it up I found instead the DVD pictured above.  What this DVD has to do with the works of Mr. Doyle is beyond me.  I checked it out anyway.  Oh well!  I got it, so I will review it.

In a sentence: an early 1970's porn film with no real good stuff (meaning sex) to speak of.  There are a few quick shots of natural bosoms (no implants at the time even in So. California!) but it has all the other fine qualities one would expect of a period correct porn piece from ca. 1977.  The hairstyles are perfect.  Forgetabout the clothes!  Short short cut-offs and tee shirts, etc.  And who doesn't love a Dodge B-100 "Tradesman" van with a waterbed, an 8track and furry stuff all over every interior surface except the roof (which is mirrored for optimal sexual enjoyment!).  The exterior paint job is bright yellow with a blazingly phallic arrow motif going on all over it.

It would be impossible to describe the plot besides to say it is boy-meets-girl, girl-hates-boy, girl-learns-to-love-boy, happily ever after.  Okay, now you know all you have to know about the movie except for some comments about the cast.  The DVD package notes that Danny Devito appears in the movie.  In fact his is the only name on the cover of the package but the truth is he plays a crappy little part of little consequence (that is, of even less consequence than all the other parts in the movie which have no consequence at all!)  I postulate that Mr. Divito was the only one on the crew who ever made another film so they used his name as a "grabber" to suck you into watching this movie.  The only thing worse than watching this movie might be paying to watch this movie.  God bless Andrew Carnegie and the free library system.

 I sadly have no more odoriferous award in my arsenal than "six smelly socks" but if I did I would gladly bestow it upon "The Van".  Instead I award "The Van"  "six smelly socks twice"!

 

DVDs From the Library-“Old Joy”

DVDs From the Library

In the library there is a bin full of DVDs. One may take up to five and keep them for a week. Don’t forget to return them on time or you will pay a hefty over-due penalty, or worse, they will develop a terminal mold and eat your furniture, flooring and, eventually, your brain. Join me now as I take a look at one…

“Old Joy”

A film by Kelly Reichard

Staring Will Oldham and Daniel London

This is a film about two close-to-middle aged, hip, grunge types who reunite after a period of separation to go on a short camping trip.  There, you have the entire plot from beginning to end in almost complete detail.  If you like small talk by stoned hippies around the campfire while they shoot BBs at tin cans you will love the dialog.  If you like lingering (and I mean l-i-n-g-e-r-i-n-g…) scenic shots of water flowing or overhead wires passing by the car window, you will love the visuals.  But, if you expect to go anywhere with a storyline or solve any of Life’s mysteries you will be disappointed.  I was not entertained.  It was all I could do to keep my wife from throwing a shoe at the new flat screen before the end of the film.

The camera work is clear and clean.  The music suitably haunting.  The acting (not the best description for what the two characters do) is minimal to the point of non-existence.

 I usually don’t read other people’s reviews prior to writing one of my own but in this case I did.  I just couldn’t help wanting to see if anybody wrote a positive review.  It seemed impossible to imagine one but I was surprised.  Four out of five stars?  “Haunting”?  What film were they watching.  But Hey! this film won the Narrative Film award at the Sarasota Film Festival!!! Wow! 

Don’t even start this DVD unless you have at least four cheap beers at your disposal. They will help mask the stink of 4 Smelly Socks, which is my rating for this pic.

 

DVDs From the Library-"Notes on a Scandal"

DVDs From the Library

In the library there is a bin full of DVDs. One may take up to five and keep them for a week. Don’t forget to return them on time or you will pay a hefty over-due penalty, or worse, they will develop a terminal mold and eat your furniture, flooring and, eventually, your brain. Join me now as I take a look at one…

“Notes on a Scandal”
Staring- Judi Dench & Cate Blanchett

I have trouble with British films.  The problem is in the translation from whatever language it is they speak and the one I speak.  They are both called ‘English’ but I have a great deal of difficulty in understanding the dialog.  This film was no different in that respect but after a half hour or so I got used to the ‘lingo’ and got into the plot. 

The plot was wound around a young teacher’s (Cate Blanchett) affair with a fifteen year old student which is discovered by one of the teacher’s coworkers (Judi Dench).  At first it is not very clear what the older spinster-coworker is aiming at by manipulating-in fact blackmailing-her younger friend but that is what she does.  Dame Dentch proves to be a very distasteful old bitch and I could barely watch the closeups of her sans make-up,  Really revolting.  It is later revealed that Dentch is very unbalanced and spiteful and when her own advances are repulsed by Blanchett,  Dentch ‘drops a dime’ on Blanchette and the pedophile is arrested.  Cast out of her own home and, having no where to turn, she is still blind to Dench's betrayal, and she moves in with her older 'friend'.  Blanchette finds the spinster's sick and twisted diaries revealing the manipulation and betrayal and…well that’s enough of the plot.  I refuse to give up the very end.

Once I got past the thick British accents the actors came through nicely and the plot kept me mildly amused for an hour plus.  It was slow sometimes.  I’d recommend you have a couple of ‘Stouts’ available if you want to get through this one.  In fact, that is what I give this film…two cheap beers. If you want a 'four cheap beer' movie about pedophiles better go with James Mason and Sue Lyons in "Lolita". 

DVDs From the Library-Whatever Works

There it was in the bin-the perfect evenings entertainment. A film written and directed by Woody Allen. Some great performers including Larry David. It touted itself on the DVD case "No Kidding: this is the feel-good movie of the year and a cinematic soul message."

I am an Annie Hall fan. I have watched it (and some of WA's earlier movies) many times and still enjoy it now. I think WA is an intelligent writer and film maker. But! Whatever Works only works 'part time'. It makes me squeamish to criticize Woody Allen but somebodies gotta do it.

It is so obvious that this play is WA's character from Annie Hall all grown up...From the opening scene it is also clear that Larry David is a stand-in for WA and the problem is he is incapable of delivering the lines with the same nebbishy, staccato style that WA used in Annie Hall. I am sure Mr. Allen couldn't deliver these lines like he used to either but that is why he is behind the camera now and he had the chance to pick someone who could! Or maybe he did and he didn't give Larry David the chance to do it, right? Nah! LD just couldn't and WA accepted the mediocrity. I can see it now. The whole cast and the lighting guys and the sound guys with their eyes rolling back in their heads and sick to their stomachs at the sixth grade quality of the acting. And WA (eyes firmly on the budget and the shooting schedule)saying "Cut! Print! that's a wrap!" or "Get me one of those tuna wraps off the catering table!"

There is entertainment value to this movie. It has a great cast and characters (I really liked Evan Rachel Wood as his nearly underage girlfriend. Woody still likes to think young girls are attracted to him!) and the (sometimes implausible) twists of plot are funny and compelling. There is a symmetry and logic to the story that is appealing. I want to like this movie. It just doesn't ever quite jell. Mostly I blame Mr. Allen. He was willing to accept dreck. I sense dollar $igns are the reason. If he had just kept his mind on the title of the story -Whatever Works- it could have...but it doesn't. If Mr. Allen had done his job and pushed this great cast to have done theirs this would have been a very good flick!

I give this film one cheap beer and I am going to watch Annie Hall as soon as possible to get the taste of tuna out of my mouth.

DVDs From the Library -City Island

City Island
Staring Andy Garcia, Julianna Margulies and Alan Arkin

I had seen this movie once before and forgotten it completely (that should say something about it right there!) Some friends visiting our house for dinner one evening raved about it and Lizzy asked me to find it for her. I searched through the dreaded Library bin. There it was!

I am sure this film will become a staple of the Lifetime Network in the future so I could have waited. It has all the earmarks of the films that play on that basic cable channel. A little skin, a little confusion, fundamentally wacky and lovable people who screw up every thing but eventually get it right and end up with the right mate.

Andy Garcia plays a corrections officer who wants to become an actor. He hides his acting lessons from his wife who believes he must be having an affair. The balance of his family-wife, son and daughter-also have secrets which they harbor from the rest of the family. They all smoke and hide it. The son loves fat women and views them on porn sites. The daughter is a pole dancer/college drop out. Oh! and did I mention that Garcia fathered a son out of wed lock who just happens to show up in his jail? Just like real life, Huh? Actually it is more like a Marx Brother’s plot. Strangely it works and is entertaining-in the Lifetime Network sense of the word.

I like City Island. The place, not the movie. I think it could have been a better movie with the simple addition of more of the actual City Island. It wouldn’t have taken much to include more of the scenery and flavor of the homes and the views that this unique island/village within a city has to offer. The movie was ok. Enjoy it, but don’t go looking for meaningful messages or, for that matter, much of the Town of City Island. The acting is fair and the writing is ok too. I had a few good laughs. It would have been funnier with a couple of cans of Cheap Beer. That is what I rate “City Island”-two cans of cheap beer.

DVDs From the Library -The Soloist

The Soloist
with Jamie Foxx and Robert Downey Jr.

Jamie Foxx never really becomes a ‘soloist’ in this flick but he does wear some pretty outrageous outfits! I mean it…Who thinks of this stuff? Were the designs taken from the descriptions in the book (by Steve Lopez)?? I don’t know as I didn’t read the book. Actually Mr. Foxx plays a pretty convincing homeless person who is unable to fulfill his passionate dream of performing Beethoven even after a couple of years of study at Julliard… ‘Cause he is nuts! Clinically speaking, that is, and hears voices and can’t conform to any societal expectations. Mr. Downey Jr. discovers the homeless man’s talent by accident and mentors the musician. RDJr. plays the part of the real-life newspaper columnist who wrote the book upon which the movie is based. They both are believable characters and the script is kinda real-ish. It might be a little bit preachy but not distractingly so.

I love movies with musical themes. Mr. What’s His Names Opus, Amadeus, Yellow Submarine…Yankee Doodle Dandy, etc. (obviously it doesn’t take much to fit into my ‘classifications’) and I got a kick out of the music. The psychedelic interpretation of a schizoid’s rapture while listening to Beethoven-not so much. So I just closed my eyes during that part of the movie and dug the philharmonic. Not bad. Many of the depictions of homeless people and the conditions they live in reminded me of Shawn of the Dead (Zombie=Homeless) but, again, not too over the top.

I wish I could be a little more positive about this movie. Jamie Foxx and Robert Downey Jr. are good actors but dressing Foxx up like Elton John made it difficult to take the unwashed, homeless man real seriously. The script tried to handle too many social and personal issues all at once. Homelessness (the cops, the politicians, the social workers…), dwindling newspaper readership, RDJr’s personal problems with commitment, etc. It all got a little muddled, but it was still entertaining. I give this movie two cheap beers.

DVDs From the Library -Revolutionary Road

On this one I took the bullet for all my dedicated readers. I will spare you all a long review and distill it down to two words-Don't Bother.

Six stinky socks doesn't even begin to cover it.

DVDs From the Library -Red Doors

In the library there is a bin full of DVDs. One may take up to five and keep them for a week. Don’t forget to return them on time or you will pay a hefty over-due penalty, or worse, they will develop a terminal mold and eat your furniture, flooring and, eventually, your brain. Join me now as I take a look at one…

Red Doors-a film by Georgia Lee

This film had the obligatory row of laurel-leaved awards across the top of the packaging but, unlike the last Chinese film I watched (Taking Father Home), this one, for the most part, deserved them. The characters were likable and believable enough to possibly exist on Earth. More importantly the plot was engaging enough to keep me awake. I like films that delve into family dynamics and this family was one I could easily relate to. A self-absorbed Mother who refuses to allow the husband or the daughters to relax and find their own way. Three daughters-one a young professional on the threshold of marrying her stogy boyfriend, one a closet Goth in high school, and one a doctor who was trying to sort out her sexual orientation. The first eventually abandons her plans for marriage in favor of following her heart to true love. The second wakes from her childish dreams and negativity to realize that the world is not out to get her and she can enjoy her family and her new boyfriend. The doctor comes out of the closet and everybody, it seems, is happy…except the Dad. Surrounded by over bearing females, recently retired and purposeless he is lost. He is consumed by video tape images of his lovely daughters when they were young and his little girls and now there is no place for him in their lives. He runs away.

As I have said the plot is very believable and contemporary. The backdrop is a modern suburban home, a modern high school, a modern hospital. The Red Door alluded to is the front door of the family’s home and that is the portal that links the old world with the new and the old culture and traditions to the new. It also signifies, to me, maturing of the family from the young mom and dad with dependent daughters to a family where the daughter have become independent and, unfortunately, unobservant of the needs of both the mother and the father. The mother and father who have given them all the love, possessions, education, and opportunities with which to succeed are now forgotten and ignored.

I liked this film and I award it three cans of cheap beer.

DVDs From the Library-Taking Father Home

In the library there is a bin full of DVDs. One may take up to five and keep them for a week. Don’t forget to return them on time or you will pay a hefty over-due penalty, or worse, they will develop a terminal mold and eat your furniture, flooring and, eventually, your brain. Join me now as I take a look at one…

“Taking Father Home”
A “film” by Ying Liang- in Mandarin w/ English Subtitles.

I qualify my review of this “film” (it was actually shot on video with a borrowed camera)-I usually only review professional cinematic projects but in this case I got fooled into thinking this was a real movie because it was in a plastic case (just like a real movie) and mixed in with a bunch of other plastic cases in the bin. That’s how the Library can fool you!

On the plastic case it had the usual accolades “A triumph of vision and talent.”-Variety, “A stunning introduction to a rare new talent”-The New York Times” and as usual these quotes are lures to get you to watch what is essentially a student film with Ying Liang and a bunch of Ying Liang’s friends running around looking much like a slow version of a Benny Hill episode without the Yackety Sax. Oh, and the landscape/cityscapes are nice so I take a Smelly Sock off for that. Similarly, I got a great nap during the last half hour, so I take one more Smelly Sock off for that. Some of the music was good too but I refuse to take off any more Smelly Socks.

If you are still interested I will give you a capsule shot of the storyline. YL is a peasant boy living in the flood plains of a rural village. His father has abandoned the family and moved to the big city and taken a new wife/life and YL goes out to find him. Having no money YL brings along two ducks to sell (?? Jack and the Bean Stalk-ish). He gets lost, he meets people, he chases people, people chase him…etc, etc. The ducks are the only constant in the film and out of the four still photos on the back of the box the ducks are in three so I don’t understand why they get no billing!

I will admit that I feel I got a real taste of modern China from this “film”. Mr. YL will, someday soon, translate that wonderful ability to capture the soul of his country into an entertaining and thought provoking movie, but this wasn’t it.

I give this film my “DVD from the Library” rating of---
Four Smelly Socks.

DVDs From the Library-TransAmerica

In the library there is a bin full of DVDs. One may take up to five and keep them for a week. Don’t forget to return them on time or you will pay a hefty over-due penalty, or worse, they will develop a terminal mold and eat your furniture, flooring and, eventually, your brain. Join me now as I take a look at one…

TransAmerica

Felicity Huffman is a wonderful actress. I am not particularly attracted to her but in this film I loved her dearly. I know, I know, it is not her I loved but the character she played but still there is some part of me that loved her. Perhaps it is the guts it took to play this part. A she who plays a he who needs to be a she. Confusing, right!

I don’t pretend to understand any of the urges that lead to such radical requirements. I don’t even get it that there are people who have these urges and feel compelled to change their sexual orientation. I am so straight that I can't even walk around the block, so this goes way beyond anything I understand on a personal level. Still, in this film he/she has me convinced that he/she does have this need to change, that it is not something he/she can do anything about except to follow his/her needs to the logical, surgical conclusion, and I like him/her for it. That is the basic premise of his/her sexual story but only the start of the point of the film. On top of all the sexual confusion he/she has a son (Kevin Zegers) who he/she never knew about, a family that has less understanding of the workings of his/her brain than I have, all this set against the backdrop of a world that sees him/her as a freak and (especially medically) tries to deny him/her the right to express his/her preferences.

The film itself is unpretentious-and that is an accomplishment I ascribe to the actors and a pretty good script. It was gritty and tense most of the time but warm where it should have been warm. I especially liked his/her family-no wait, I didn’t like them much at all, actually. I just really understood them. They were everyone’s family! Mixed religion. Devoid of empathy and blind to the pain of those who should be most dear to them. They are materialistic and uncouth. And here comes the gentle, sensitive, transgender son with a heretofore unknown son/grandchild…Crash… Perfect!!!

I enjoyed this film and was glad it didn’t end in some catastrophic mess. The ending seemed real. The characters seemed spot on. The music and the camera work seemed right. Wow! And to think I got this out of the bin at the library.

I give this film my "DVD From the Library" rating of two cans of cheap beer.

DVDs From the Library-The Joneses

DVDs From the Library

In the library there is a bin full of DVDs. One may take up to five and keep them for a week. Don’t forget to return them on time or you will pay a hefty over-due penalty, or worse, they will develop a terminal mold and eat your furniture, flooring and, eventually, your brain. Join me now as I take a look at one…

“The Joneses”
Staring- Demi Moore, David Duchovny, Amber Heard and Ben Hollinsworth, with a cameo by Lauren Hutton.

This is one of those films that, if not for one small twist of plot, or one stand-out performance, I wouldn’t care if I’d never seen it at all. It would be wonderful if I could say it was a performance that made it worthwhile but it wasn’t-it was the plot. A number of years ago I remember reading about advertising agencies hiring young, hip, professional looking men and women to clandestinely promote their products. Wearing the ‘right’ shoes, shirts, skirts and jewelry these ‘shills’ would insinuate themselves into the culture of a club or popular bar and move the product. They would buy rounds of a certain beer, smoke a certain cigar or cigarette, eat a branded meal and popularize a branded handbag. I was fascinated by the concept. Gorilla advertising. Small firefights, wherein professional actors whispered into scores of ears attempting to turn the message viral and send sales north.

In this film a team of four of these ‘professional actors’ are formed into a sales cell and inserted into an upscale neighborhood by the agency. We learn that there are many such cells and Lauren Hutton plays the capo in charge of the whole effort. Demi Moore is the boss of the cell and David Duchovny is the ‘new guy’ who plays the husband. Amber Heard and Ben Hollinsworth play the daughter and the son. As a family they take the neighborhood by storm and sales (which are tracked like corporate batting averages) begin to climb.

As I said, the performances were not what kept me watching. The cast was OK but not great. Out of the four main players I thought David Duchovny was the best. It was his flip attitude (played against DM’s all business attitude) that I liked. He was, way down deep, kind of ‘beat’ in the 1950’s sense, and no matter how he tried, he just couldn’t do the job. He could sell stuff when he wanted to but in the end he couldn’t lie well enough. And when he did lie it tortured him and made him ineffecive. Ben Hollinsworth and Amber Heard were not believable as the ‘kids’. Both of them being sexually charged individuals and both obviously well past puberty. I wondered why the producers thought anyone, including myself, would believe that they could be high school kids? Demi Moore didn’t fit the part well. She was desirable and driven by the mission of the team. I just couldn’t believe her character like I could D.D.’s

The fact that this story took a real concept to a place just shy of Sci-Fi and made it seem possible (who knows maybe it is true!) is what made me like this film. I would have liked it more if the concept had been used to make a really hot porn film! Lord knows there are probably a ton of porn stars out there who could have done the acting as well (or better!) than this cast and there were a lot of points in the story that could have used the addition of some hot hardcore sex. Would'a helped a lot!

I look forward to seeing David Duchovny in a film some time in the future that gives him a chance to prove my hunch that he has talent. I hope I never have to watch another Demi Moore film. I look forward to seeing both Ben and Amber (perfect name for a pornstar) in a remake of this film due out in 2012 entitled “The Boneses”.

I give this film my “DVD from the Library” rating of---
Two Smelly Socks.

DVDs From the Library-Then She Found Me

DVDs From the Library

In the library there is a bin full of DVDs. One may take up to five and keep them for a week. Don’t forget to return them on time or you will pay a hefty over-due penalty, or worse, they will develop a terminal mold and eat your furniture, flooring and, eventually, your brain. Join me now as I take a look at one…

“Then She Found Me”
Staring- Matthew Broderick, Colin Firth, Helen Hunt, and Bette Midler

Looks good! You say to yourself as you pluck this one out of the bin. A good romantic comedy is what it looks like and in my house that is usually a winner. Unfortunately, after ten minutes into it I found my estrogen level had risen to a lethal level and my balls were beginning to fall off. If I had read the packaging closely I would have seen that this movie was brought to us by “killer films” (small k small f) and it was a killer in the most negative way possible. Also, and, more importantly, Helen Hunt’s name and photo were peppered throughout the credits (I didn’t really count) at least two hundred times. She played the lead, wrote the screenplay (she gave herself two credits for that!), directed and produced, conceivably did the camera work and catered the shoot. Helen Hunt is a passable journeywoman in the acting trade and by surrounding herself with a troupe of very established actors whose reputations are head and shoulders above hers in everyway one would expect a good film-NOT! This is a perfect example of a film reduced to its least common denominator.

Her husband in the film (Matthew Broderick) is a wishy-washy pussy who is obviously not happy with the marriage. It is not clear why, nor does the watcher particularly care. There are a couple of sex scenes which accounts for the ‘R’ rating but seem to do their best not to titillate nor make one crave either of the perpetrators. One, in the car on a city street, is not believable at all and left me wishing I was blind. I have seen Matthew Broderick do great things in a number of films but in this one the best thing he did was make enough money to make a couple of month’s boat payments.

Collin Firth is in every new film produced in Hollywood-Have you noticed? He is not really very good in any of them and in this one he is over-the-top mediocre. Playing H.H.’s newly found boyfriend, one sees no real reason for the attraction, feels no magnetism, and flinches every time he opens his mouth. For some reason she feels the need to have him and he, her, but at a party, I would avoid both of them at all costs. I do like his choice of clothing. I think he just wore whatever he came to the set in that day and he has a nice personal wardrobe.

Bette Midler is the only (slightly) shining star in this black hole of a story. She is an amazing actress/person and it will take more than a bad play, crappy input from her costars and lousy direction to kill her performance. But it came close. She has great delivery and presence. She plays the mother who gave H.H. up for adoption as a baby and has decided to make contact with her adult off-spring (god knows why!) and wants a relationship. Well, let me say that H.H. has aged horribly and appears to be older than her mom. Bette has a better body, preserved face, and would be a hell of a lot more fun in bed (I’m betting). The lines that are lobbed at her by this hyper herd of coconspirators are returned with Miss M’s typical homerun attitude (for the most part-given the dreck quality of the writing, she does what she can!) and I love her for the college try.

Allow me to quote the packaging as I sum up this film-“Smart, engaging, and funny”? Nope. Dumb, uninteresting and pathetic. I give this film my “DVD from the Library” rating of---
Six Smelly Socks.