The Cost of Fido

After reading an article on the Fidelity.com web site ( ), I am modestly self satisfied that I have never purchased one of the five items spotlighted as “five things you spend on and then never use…” That is unless you count the treadmill that technically I did buy but only because- technically- Lizzy and I buy everything together-even if it is for her! OK! I might have said I was going to use it too but we all know that I was lying. There is no way I would ever willingly use a treadmill. If I did use a treadmill it would only be as a prelude to a steam bath or if someone held a gun to my head.

The article highlighted five items that people foolishly spend their hard earned money on and then never get around to actually using. They were 1) exercise equipment, 2) swimming pools (in ground), 3) wine cellars 4) outdoor kitchens, and 5) espresso machines. I would not argue with any of the selections discussed in the article but (after a few moments with Benny) we have come up with a lot more examples. Tools (in general, and socket sets in particular), musical instruments (especially pianos), boats of all types, gym memberships (Absolutely!!), bicycles (we have five that no one rides), food processors and bread-makers, and pets.

The last one is a little more difficult to document as people continue to feed and walk a dog and probably take it to the vet once in a while to keep it ‘legal’. But there is not a shred of doubt in my mind that for many pets in the typical household the meaningful relationship quickly and absolutely ends not long after puppyhood or kittyhood. To define the word “use” with regard to pets I am not talking about hooking the dog up to a sled and mushing it to the store (although that sounds like fun and Fido would probably enjoy it too). I am thinking more of enjoying, playing with, training and, most importantly, loving the pet as one would love and engage a family member. As much as it is a shame to invest in a possession such as a treadmill and then not use it, it is a much greater loss to ignore a living thing. A pet becomes an extension of yourself and of your family. If it is ignored it may develop behavioral problems. It will likely be unhealthy in mind and body. It will surely make the owner question his/her desire to continue ownership and might cause them to put the pet up for adoption. In short, there is a cost of ownership for everything…not just swimming pools.

DVDs From the Library -The Soloist

The Soloist
with Jamie Foxx and Robert Downey Jr.

Jamie Foxx never really becomes a ‘soloist’ in this flick but he does wear some pretty outrageous outfits! I mean it…Who thinks of this stuff? Were the designs taken from the descriptions in the book (by Steve Lopez)?? I don’t know as I didn’t read the book. Actually Mr. Foxx plays a pretty convincing homeless person who is unable to fulfill his passionate dream of performing Beethoven even after a couple of years of study at Julliard… ‘Cause he is nuts! Clinically speaking, that is, and hears voices and can’t conform to any societal expectations. Mr. Downey Jr. discovers the homeless man’s talent by accident and mentors the musician. RDJr. plays the part of the real-life newspaper columnist who wrote the book upon which the movie is based. They both are believable characters and the script is kinda real-ish. It might be a little bit preachy but not distractingly so.

I love movies with musical themes. Mr. What’s His Names Opus, Amadeus, Yellow Submarine…Yankee Doodle Dandy, etc. (obviously it doesn’t take much to fit into my ‘classifications’) and I got a kick out of the music. The psychedelic interpretation of a schizoid’s rapture while listening to Beethoven-not so much. So I just closed my eyes during that part of the movie and dug the philharmonic. Not bad. Many of the depictions of homeless people and the conditions they live in reminded me of Shawn of the Dead (Zombie=Homeless) but, again, not too over the top.

I wish I could be a little more positive about this movie. Jamie Foxx and Robert Downey Jr. are good actors but dressing Foxx up like Elton John made it difficult to take the unwashed, homeless man real seriously. The script tried to handle too many social and personal issues all at once. Homelessness (the cops, the politicians, the social workers…), dwindling newspaper readership, RDJr’s personal problems with commitment, etc. It all got a little muddled, but it was still entertaining. I give this movie two cheap beers.

DVDs From the Library -Revolutionary Road

On this one I took the bullet for all my dedicated readers. I will spare you all a long review and distill it down to two words-Don't Bother.

Six stinky socks doesn't even begin to cover it.

DVDs From the Library -Red Doors

In the library there is a bin full of DVDs. One may take up to five and keep them for a week. Don’t forget to return them on time or you will pay a hefty over-due penalty, or worse, they will develop a terminal mold and eat your furniture, flooring and, eventually, your brain. Join me now as I take a look at one…

Red Doors-a film by Georgia Lee

This film had the obligatory row of laurel-leaved awards across the top of the packaging but, unlike the last Chinese film I watched (Taking Father Home), this one, for the most part, deserved them. The characters were likable and believable enough to possibly exist on Earth. More importantly the plot was engaging enough to keep me awake. I like films that delve into family dynamics and this family was one I could easily relate to. A self-absorbed Mother who refuses to allow the husband or the daughters to relax and find their own way. Three daughters-one a young professional on the threshold of marrying her stogy boyfriend, one a closet Goth in high school, and one a doctor who was trying to sort out her sexual orientation. The first eventually abandons her plans for marriage in favor of following her heart to true love. The second wakes from her childish dreams and negativity to realize that the world is not out to get her and she can enjoy her family and her new boyfriend. The doctor comes out of the closet and everybody, it seems, is happy…except the Dad. Surrounded by over bearing females, recently retired and purposeless he is lost. He is consumed by video tape images of his lovely daughters when they were young and his little girls and now there is no place for him in their lives. He runs away.

As I have said the plot is very believable and contemporary. The backdrop is a modern suburban home, a modern high school, a modern hospital. The Red Door alluded to is the front door of the family’s home and that is the portal that links the old world with the new and the old culture and traditions to the new. It also signifies, to me, maturing of the family from the young mom and dad with dependent daughters to a family where the daughter have become independent and, unfortunately, unobservant of the needs of both the mother and the father. The mother and father who have given them all the love, possessions, education, and opportunities with which to succeed are now forgotten and ignored.

I liked this film and I award it three cans of cheap beer.

How I Rate the Movies

This is the Key to my Scientific Movie Rating System
-Worst=six smelly socks,
-Torture but not the worst=4 smelly socks,
-I watched it but only because it was free=2 smelly socks,
-Not too bad but I wouldn't pay for it=1 cheap beer,
-Bordering on pretty decent=2 cheap beers,
-I'd pay to watch this one!=3 cheap beers,
-And the pinnacle of the Library DVD bin selection/and semi intoxicating, the coveted award !!!!=4cheap beers.

DVDs From the Library-Taking Father Home

In the library there is a bin full of DVDs. One may take up to five and keep them for a week. Don’t forget to return them on time or you will pay a hefty over-due penalty, or worse, they will develop a terminal mold and eat your furniture, flooring and, eventually, your brain. Join me now as I take a look at one…

“Taking Father Home”
A “film” by Ying Liang- in Mandarin w/ English Subtitles.

I qualify my review of this “film” (it was actually shot on video with a borrowed camera)-I usually only review professional cinematic projects but in this case I got fooled into thinking this was a real movie because it was in a plastic case (just like a real movie) and mixed in with a bunch of other plastic cases in the bin. That’s how the Library can fool you!

On the plastic case it had the usual accolades “A triumph of vision and talent.”-Variety, “A stunning introduction to a rare new talent”-The New York Times” and as usual these quotes are lures to get you to watch what is essentially a student film with Ying Liang and a bunch of Ying Liang’s friends running around looking much like a slow version of a Benny Hill episode without the Yackety Sax. Oh, and the landscape/cityscapes are nice so I take a Smelly Sock off for that. Similarly, I got a great nap during the last half hour, so I take one more Smelly Sock off for that. Some of the music was good too but I refuse to take off any more Smelly Socks.

If you are still interested I will give you a capsule shot of the storyline. YL is a peasant boy living in the flood plains of a rural village. His father has abandoned the family and moved to the big city and taken a new wife/life and YL goes out to find him. Having no money YL brings along two ducks to sell (?? Jack and the Bean Stalk-ish). He gets lost, he meets people, he chases people, people chase him…etc, etc. The ducks are the only constant in the film and out of the four still photos on the back of the box the ducks are in three so I don’t understand why they get no billing!

I will admit that I feel I got a real taste of modern China from this “film”. Mr. YL will, someday soon, translate that wonderful ability to capture the soul of his country into an entertaining and thought provoking movie, but this wasn’t it.

I give this film my “DVD from the Library” rating of---
Four Smelly Socks.

DVDs From the Library-TransAmerica

In the library there is a bin full of DVDs. One may take up to five and keep them for a week. Don’t forget to return them on time or you will pay a hefty over-due penalty, or worse, they will develop a terminal mold and eat your furniture, flooring and, eventually, your brain. Join me now as I take a look at one…

TransAmerica

Felicity Huffman is a wonderful actress. I am not particularly attracted to her but in this film I loved her dearly. I know, I know, it is not her I loved but the character she played but still there is some part of me that loved her. Perhaps it is the guts it took to play this part. A she who plays a he who needs to be a she. Confusing, right!

I don’t pretend to understand any of the urges that lead to such radical requirements. I don’t even get it that there are people who have these urges and feel compelled to change their sexual orientation. I am so straight that I can't even walk around the block, so this goes way beyond anything I understand on a personal level. Still, in this film he/she has me convinced that he/she does have this need to change, that it is not something he/she can do anything about except to follow his/her needs to the logical, surgical conclusion, and I like him/her for it. That is the basic premise of his/her sexual story but only the start of the point of the film. On top of all the sexual confusion he/she has a son (Kevin Zegers) who he/she never knew about, a family that has less understanding of the workings of his/her brain than I have, all this set against the backdrop of a world that sees him/her as a freak and (especially medically) tries to deny him/her the right to express his/her preferences.

The film itself is unpretentious-and that is an accomplishment I ascribe to the actors and a pretty good script. It was gritty and tense most of the time but warm where it should have been warm. I especially liked his/her family-no wait, I didn’t like them much at all, actually. I just really understood them. They were everyone’s family! Mixed religion. Devoid of empathy and blind to the pain of those who should be most dear to them. They are materialistic and uncouth. And here comes the gentle, sensitive, transgender son with a heretofore unknown son/grandchild…Crash… Perfect!!!

I enjoyed this film and was glad it didn’t end in some catastrophic mess. The ending seemed real. The characters seemed spot on. The music and the camera work seemed right. Wow! And to think I got this out of the bin at the library.

I give this film my "DVD From the Library" rating of two cans of cheap beer.

DVDs From the Library-The Joneses

DVDs From the Library

In the library there is a bin full of DVDs. One may take up to five and keep them for a week. Don’t forget to return them on time or you will pay a hefty over-due penalty, or worse, they will develop a terminal mold and eat your furniture, flooring and, eventually, your brain. Join me now as I take a look at one…

“The Joneses”
Staring- Demi Moore, David Duchovny, Amber Heard and Ben Hollinsworth, with a cameo by Lauren Hutton.

This is one of those films that, if not for one small twist of plot, or one stand-out performance, I wouldn’t care if I’d never seen it at all. It would be wonderful if I could say it was a performance that made it worthwhile but it wasn’t-it was the plot. A number of years ago I remember reading about advertising agencies hiring young, hip, professional looking men and women to clandestinely promote their products. Wearing the ‘right’ shoes, shirts, skirts and jewelry these ‘shills’ would insinuate themselves into the culture of a club or popular bar and move the product. They would buy rounds of a certain beer, smoke a certain cigar or cigarette, eat a branded meal and popularize a branded handbag. I was fascinated by the concept. Gorilla advertising. Small firefights, wherein professional actors whispered into scores of ears attempting to turn the message viral and send sales north.

In this film a team of four of these ‘professional actors’ are formed into a sales cell and inserted into an upscale neighborhood by the agency. We learn that there are many such cells and Lauren Hutton plays the capo in charge of the whole effort. Demi Moore is the boss of the cell and David Duchovny is the ‘new guy’ who plays the husband. Amber Heard and Ben Hollinsworth play the daughter and the son. As a family they take the neighborhood by storm and sales (which are tracked like corporate batting averages) begin to climb.

As I said, the performances were not what kept me watching. The cast was OK but not great. Out of the four main players I thought David Duchovny was the best. It was his flip attitude (played against DM’s all business attitude) that I liked. He was, way down deep, kind of ‘beat’ in the 1950’s sense, and no matter how he tried, he just couldn’t do the job. He could sell stuff when he wanted to but in the end he couldn’t lie well enough. And when he did lie it tortured him and made him ineffecive. Ben Hollinsworth and Amber Heard were not believable as the ‘kids’. Both of them being sexually charged individuals and both obviously well past puberty. I wondered why the producers thought anyone, including myself, would believe that they could be high school kids? Demi Moore didn’t fit the part well. She was desirable and driven by the mission of the team. I just couldn’t believe her character like I could D.D.’s

The fact that this story took a real concept to a place just shy of Sci-Fi and made it seem possible (who knows maybe it is true!) is what made me like this film. I would have liked it more if the concept had been used to make a really hot porn film! Lord knows there are probably a ton of porn stars out there who could have done the acting as well (or better!) than this cast and there were a lot of points in the story that could have used the addition of some hot hardcore sex. Would'a helped a lot!

I look forward to seeing David Duchovny in a film some time in the future that gives him a chance to prove my hunch that he has talent. I hope I never have to watch another Demi Moore film. I look forward to seeing both Ben and Amber (perfect name for a pornstar) in a remake of this film due out in 2012 entitled “The Boneses”.

I give this film my “DVD from the Library” rating of---
Two Smelly Socks.

DVDs From the Library-Then She Found Me

DVDs From the Library

In the library there is a bin full of DVDs. One may take up to five and keep them for a week. Don’t forget to return them on time or you will pay a hefty over-due penalty, or worse, they will develop a terminal mold and eat your furniture, flooring and, eventually, your brain. Join me now as I take a look at one…

“Then She Found Me”
Staring- Matthew Broderick, Colin Firth, Helen Hunt, and Bette Midler

Looks good! You say to yourself as you pluck this one out of the bin. A good romantic comedy is what it looks like and in my house that is usually a winner. Unfortunately, after ten minutes into it I found my estrogen level had risen to a lethal level and my balls were beginning to fall off. If I had read the packaging closely I would have seen that this movie was brought to us by “killer films” (small k small f) and it was a killer in the most negative way possible. Also, and, more importantly, Helen Hunt’s name and photo were peppered throughout the credits (I didn’t really count) at least two hundred times. She played the lead, wrote the screenplay (she gave herself two credits for that!), directed and produced, conceivably did the camera work and catered the shoot. Helen Hunt is a passable journeywoman in the acting trade and by surrounding herself with a troupe of very established actors whose reputations are head and shoulders above hers in everyway one would expect a good film-NOT! This is a perfect example of a film reduced to its least common denominator.

Her husband in the film (Matthew Broderick) is a wishy-washy pussy who is obviously not happy with the marriage. It is not clear why, nor does the watcher particularly care. There are a couple of sex scenes which accounts for the ‘R’ rating but seem to do their best not to titillate nor make one crave either of the perpetrators. One, in the car on a city street, is not believable at all and left me wishing I was blind. I have seen Matthew Broderick do great things in a number of films but in this one the best thing he did was make enough money to make a couple of month’s boat payments.

Collin Firth is in every new film produced in Hollywood-Have you noticed? He is not really very good in any of them and in this one he is over-the-top mediocre. Playing H.H.’s newly found boyfriend, one sees no real reason for the attraction, feels no magnetism, and flinches every time he opens his mouth. For some reason she feels the need to have him and he, her, but at a party, I would avoid both of them at all costs. I do like his choice of clothing. I think he just wore whatever he came to the set in that day and he has a nice personal wardrobe.

Bette Midler is the only (slightly) shining star in this black hole of a story. She is an amazing actress/person and it will take more than a bad play, crappy input from her costars and lousy direction to kill her performance. But it came close. She has great delivery and presence. She plays the mother who gave H.H. up for adoption as a baby and has decided to make contact with her adult off-spring (god knows why!) and wants a relationship. Well, let me say that H.H. has aged horribly and appears to be older than her mom. Bette has a better body, preserved face, and would be a hell of a lot more fun in bed (I’m betting). The lines that are lobbed at her by this hyper herd of coconspirators are returned with Miss M’s typical homerun attitude (for the most part-given the dreck quality of the writing, she does what she can!) and I love her for the college try.

Allow me to quote the packaging as I sum up this film-“Smart, engaging, and funny”? Nope. Dumb, uninteresting and pathetic. I give this film my “DVD from the Library” rating of---
Six Smelly Socks.