Saving the World (part 2)

Sunday, January 03, 2010

Happy New Years? S*#t.

I am not in a good mood. I am never in a good mood when the weather is below 10 degrees and the wind is howling up to 40mph. When the monthly cable bill is approximately what my first mortgage was. When my medical insurance monthly bill is what a family of four in Laos lives on for a year and a half. When I know that people continue to f$*k and have ten children and wallow in dirt and squalor because they think that is what G-d wants them to do. I just don’t understand why everyone doesn’t do things just the way I want them done, because I know just what the world needs to do!

Details-points of illustration.

People with big cars and SUV’s should have them taken away. They should be given English Fords (1960 specifications with added catalytic convertor to slow them down just a bit) and bicycles (even if we need to set up new production facilities to make enough of them. Every existing Explorer could be turned into six English Fords with enough metal and rubber left over to make six bicycles). Tractor trailers should have governors on them that will only allow them to reach speeds of 40 mph and new laws should be written to allow them on the road only between the hours of 9pm and 5am. Penalty for driving a tractor trailer at the wrong time of day would be death. Oh, and also, they should stay in the right lane so the English Fords can easily pass them. Pick-up trucks should be sold only to construction companies. You should be able to borrow a truck to deliver your purchases from Lowes and Home Depot. Aside from that there would be no pick-ups on the road. Illegally driving a pick-up truck, of course, would be punishable by death. Likewise, tailgating, driving with your high beams on or tinting your windows would be punishable by death.

Life insurance, health insurance and home owner’s insurance would be banned. First I recommend we round up all the insurance executives, agents, actuaries, and risk analysts and shoot them so that there will be no temptation for them to try to re-establish the false sense of security and permanence they have led the population to believe exists in the world. When you die you die. When your house is built on the beach and the waves and wind wash it away it is not good to ‘spread the risk/pain’ to those who have built on rock, inland, safely. Tough s*#t! It’s gone! You had your pretty view while it existed, now clean up your mess and move on—on your own dime! Same goes for mud slides, forest fires and tornados. Suck it up!

As for automobile insurance, English Fords don’t move very fast so there is a possibility that you will survive a crash. But…they did not have seat belts so you could put some in for yourself. That’s your insurance. If you get in an accident and kill or maim someone you should try to get away from the scene as soon as you can. If you are not too badly hurt you should run to the church or synagogue of your choice and thank G-d. If you are lucky enough to be hurt but still conscious you could pull out your gun and take a shot at the guy trying to get away. That is also part of the new insurance plan. No more false claims of whiplash or messy pointing of fingers and courts battles to try to collect huge sums of cash for injuries. Get it over with then and there. The cops should only be at the scene to direct the tow trucks and put kitty litter on the oil slick. The cops, of course would be unarmed!!! They should not interfere with the true justice taking place at the accident scene and should stay in their car (English Ford) until the final shot has been fired.

As long as I am straightening out the insurance industry, we should have a few words about the doctors, dentists and other health care professionals. They have been too long shackled by the burgeoning insurance industry and government oversight (FDA, CDC, etc) Most doctor’s offices have become, not places of healing, but paper mills manned by clerks who process bills and do the bidding of the insurance industry. No more! When you pull up to a doctor’s office from now on (in your English Ford) you better have gobs of cash in your pants. If you find someone you trust to drain that boil you will fork over some real money before you leave. That, or make a proper deal to deliver chickens, okra or services acceptable to both parties (you and the doctor) to seal the deal. He/she will write you a prescription which you will pay for with similar specie at the drugstore and you will be healed. He/she will do a good job or else (I think we all know what the ‘or else’ is by now!) With all due respect, doctors go through a lot of training and deserve to live a little high on the hog. Where your health is concerned you should expect to pay plenty to preserve it. I don’t think insurance company CEO’s studied all that hard in the frat house or give a lot of comfort and relief to the sick and dying so fuck ‘em! I think it only fitting and proper that we retrain prospective insurance company executives to be tractor trailer repair persons and doctors should have new English Fords every two years so they can start making house calls again!

Well I am tired now but I hope I have begun to straighten out this whole mess. The World, I mean. If you would like to help me (and I suggest that you do, because when they start handing out the English Fords you want to be in the right line, right?) just give things a little thought and drop me a line. I’ll tell you if you’re on the right track or not. Let’s hope you are.